Push On

After my post from a few days ago, I’ve been in a pretty crappy state of mind if I’m going to be completely honest.  Back and forth between anger and sadness, confusion and understanding, guilt and sorrow.  I always thought I was a strong person.  Peoples opinions of me don’t really matter much to me, I can take criticism, I’ve always been able to find the best way through a situation, I can handle things on my own…etc.  But for some reason I am finding it so difficult to push past the feeling of uselessness that I feel every time I close my eyes and think about the fact that I may never be able to do the things that I thought maybe one day I might be able to do again.

I’ve been spending a lot of time listening to music, mostly music that is supposed to be helping me cope but which seems to just be reminding me of the mistakes that I’ve made and the faults that I have.  If anyone has ever dealt with depression…you might know what I’m talking about.  As much as I try to see the good in things, I end up coming back around to see the bad side.  I used to be such a positive person and I really want to get there again.

I have also been doing a lot of soul searching with a Bible sitting in front of me.  It’s easy and hard at the same time.  Easy enough to open the bible and search for scripture that pertains to suffering, hard to look past the suffering itself and see what’s on the other side (mostly because at the moment it’s hard to even see the possibility of the other side).

But, despite all of that, I still manage to find glimpses of hope.  And although I may be struggling, and I might not feel like I’m deserving, I KNOW that God does everything for a purpose, and that purpose is good.  My mom sent me a song last night to listen to.  I didn’t notice it until this morning right after I finished my morning time with God, during which I was seeking answers for why I have to go through this (on a side note…I feel really selfish about all this, me, my issues, my pain, my suffering…I know there are so many others out there going through worse situations!).  But when I finally did listen to it this morning I realized just how much it fits what I’m going through right now.  Take a few minutes to listen to this song, then come back…I’m not done yet.

  • Broken beyond repair  |  Healing beyond belief
  • Look in the mirror and find someone you never thought you’d be  |  Lift your eyes to Jesus
  • Nothing but damaged goods  |  Something good in the making
  • My worst mistake  |  Covered by the price He paid
  • The scars from when you fell  |  The stories they will tell
  • Worthless  |  Priceless
  • Pain  |  Purpose
  • Unworthy and Undeserving  |  Seen through eyes of mercy

I’d love to say that listening to this song will make all of your troubles go away and you will instantly realize that there is a purpose and be happy with your situation.  I’d love to be able to say it, but I can’t say it for myself so I doubt it will work that way for you either.  However, it gives me (and you!) a guide to cut out the enemy.  The enemy knows that our struggles and suffering are for a better cause, a cause that is always opposite of what he wants.  So the enemy makes the effort to use those struggles to pull us down before we can firmly get our faith planted in Jesus.

I feel like I’m caught in the middle of that process.  As I’ve already said, I KNOW that there is a good purpose at the end of this, but I have trouble being content to not know WHEN that is going to happen.  Especially added to what I found out earlier this week about the permanence of my issue, it’s a battle I have to fight, to fight to force my brain to agree with what my heart knows.

I listed many points from the song above, the bad thoughts on the left and Jesus’ responses to them on the right.  There were more in the song, but these are the ones that pertain directly to a situation in my life, or a feeling that I can associate with.  It’s so easy to relate to the ones on the left but sometimes (right now) so hard to accept the ones on the right.  It’s hard to explain, but it’s not due to lack of belief that they are true…but more because as much as I KNOW that the right side is 100% accurate…I struggle with feeling deserving of that column when I know how much is wrong with me on the left.  I know I don’t have to earn God’s love, but my human nature (as a result of sin) makes me feel like I still don’t deserve it at times.

Don’t get me wrong, my relationship with God I feel is growing stronger than it has been in a while.  I’m studying His word and spending time in prayer on a daily basis.  I have dropped to my knees and cried out for Him.  I pray for strength and understanding, and at times I am at peace…but then for some reason the depression just keeps coming back.  It’s like a never ending cycle that needs to be broken, but I don’t have the strength to break it.  Luckily I know that there is someone in my life that can carry me through and take the heavy burden as soon as I’m willing to let it go…of that I have no doubt.

But how do I get there?  How does anyone get there?  We just have to push on.  Plant our feet on solid ground and take one step at a time.  We were never promised an easy life…what we were promised was an eternity with our Creator as long as we are willing to accept His grace.  I guess it starts with knowing your limitations and asking Jesus to step in and cover them for you.  In response to that, I’ve decided I need to start doing something more to get past whatever this is that I’m dealing with now.  Can God heal me of my afflictions?  He sure can!  Will he?  I don’t know…why should he?  I want this to go away because it’s painful for me…not because I want Him to get the glory.  That’s where the fault is…learning to put Him first.  I’m slowly getting much better at that on the outward side of things…but it’s still something I’m struggling with on the inside.

I mentioned I’ve been doing more scripture reading and searching for stories of others going through the same things that I’m dealing with internally.  One thing I found that I’m hoping will help is a book.  I didn’t know about the book, I wasn’t searching for a book…I just happened across this quote in an article I was reading and it struck so close to home that I realized I had to read it.  Maybe it was a God thing, maybe it wasn’t…but the book arrived in the mail today (thanks Mom!) so we will see how it is and how it helps.  I’ll follow up on that in a later post down the road.

Jesus took away the only kind of suffering that can really destroy you:  that is being cast away from God. – Tim Keller, Walking with God through Pain and Suffering

So far, I’ve stuttered and stammered so much in this post…I don’t even know if I’m on the topic that I originally intended to talk about.  I just let the fingers do the typing and hopefully God is working through them so I say what He wants me to say.  The quote above is the one that I mentioned (with a link to the book if anyone reading this is going through something similar and thinks it might help them as well).  Talk about a slap in the face and a stomp on the feet.  There’s only one type of suffering that I need to fear and it’s one that I don’t ever actually have to worry about since through Jesus’ sacrifice I’m completely safe from being cast aside from the presence of God.

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4:8-9 ESV)

 

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance. (Romans 5:3 ESV)

Rejoice in our sufferings.  I hope someone reading this post is feeling the exact same way I am right now.  Sarcastically saying in my mind, “heh, easier said than done there buddy…how the heck am I supposed to rejoice over what I’m going through”.  Well, I’m sitting here talking myself into how…so here’s the stream of thought that I’m going through right now:  I can see Him working in my life right now.  I feel Him closer right now than I have felt in a long time.  While I still have this depression, I see holes of light poking through from time to time so I know there is a way out, it’s just forcing myself to push on to get there that I need to focus on.  While there are certainly sufferings I am dealing with right now, chronic pain, depression, feelings of uselessness, general unhappiness, boredom and a lack of focus…there are so many more good things that I need to focus on.  I am finally getting my finances straightened out.  I have a loving and supporting wife that would do anything for me and will always be here by my side to help pull me through.  I have two beautiful daughters that while they can be trying at times…they are children of Christ right along with me and I don’t have to worry about their fate.  I have more options for medication and pain management that haven’t been talked about with the doctors yet…so I should probably stop fearing what I don’t know and wait to find out what options there might be.  I’m alive (sad to say this hasn’t always been on the good list of things).  My relationship with God is growing stronger by the day.  I’ve given up some idols that were consuming me and I’m 1000 times better for it.  I’ve set goals to work on and am doing very well with them…though I still need more effort in that department…I am at least finally attempting to live instead of doing nothing but waiting.

I don’t know what’s going to come out of this.  Maybe my back is going to get so bad in the future that I can barely move.  Maybe God is going to completely heal me.  I don’t know, no one does.  But I have to learn to be OK with that.  I’m not rejoicing in my sufferings yet…but I know that someday soon I am going to be there….I just have to push on and keep my eyes focused on God’s will and not my own.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for the sufferings in my life.  As much as they are painful to me, I know that there is good coming out of them.  Lord I pray for anyone reading this blog that may be in the same or similar situation, and also for those that I know are worse off.  I may not understand your reasoning for the things that happen, but I do know that there is no one else I would rather put my faith in.  Lord help me with the faith to see that I don’t owe a debt anymore, there is nothing that I have to do to earn the love of Christ.  If there is anyone reading this post that doesn’t know you Lord, I pray that you would pull them towards you.  Let me be a vessel for you, show me the open door.  Lord I thank you for your grace and ask for your forgiveness for the doubt and worry that I have been experiencing and just ask for you to empower me to push through it with your guidance.  Lead me closer to you, and help me to lead those far from you to where you need them to be.  Amen.

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I Am

I am the sun,
Who watches your every move
Watching, you see, you live
I see you running
I see you hide
I walk with you always
My love shall not die

I am the stars
Whom you may trust for always
Listening, you hear, you live
I see you hoping
I see you bend
I walk with you always
My love shall not end

I am the son
That takes notes for another
Giving, I died, I live
I give you dreams
I give, you take
I walk with you always
My love shall not forsake

I Am that I AM
And always shall I be
I Am that I AM
Why not just trust me
For all – I have died
And have risen again
Truth’s all I tell
For I Am that I AM

Originally written – 22 May 2001

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No

Once was a day when blind men see
Twice was a day when deaf men hear
Thrice was a day when dumb men speak
Never is a time when I live my own
Put me out of my misery
(Or he will)

Originally written – 15 February 2001

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For the Sake of Lost Souls

My mind grows cold as it is filled with the thoughts of millions of lost souls roaming this lonely planet.  They call out to me, reminding me of their eternal presence.  They torture me, commanding me to release them of their debts, for it is because of them that they are lost.  The things they found no repentance for during life are keeping them from finding their way to the unknown.  People in their life never forgave them, causing them to suffer eternally.  Causing them to build up regret; souls that are regretful cannot pass through the portal to eternal rest.  This regretful soul must release its pain in order to pass through the portal.

These souls see me as their comforter, their watcher.  They seem to think that I hold the key to the portal.  I am in a state of confusion though.  Perhaps I do hold their key, but where is it?  These many souls cry out to me, holding me down from continuing my own life.  They do not understand what they do to me, for they are lost.  They are foundering in the regret that holds them on this side of the portal.  Lost in a haze of deep darkness; they wander about aimlessly to find their key.

Soon, I intend to find their precious key.  I will put these souls to rest.  Even if it means my life to be taken.  I will put these souls to rest.  I will sacrifice myself for the sake of lost souls.

Originally written – 13 October 2000
sequel to “Lost Souls”

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Eternally Damned

Why must my world be this way?  Why must I retain all of this pain.  Other people are normal, they forget the pain in their lives after a time.  Me, I do not.  Every pain that has overtaken my worthless soul is still held inside; trapped like a prisoner in this dark prison.  The pain invades my dreams, causes me to scream in agony as I grow deeper into this eternal life of pain.

Since I was a child, I have kept the pain.  Now, I have no more room to store this ungodly gift.  I must get rid of this pain before I explode.  Every day to me just means more uncontrollable pain and anger.  I must find a way to release this pain.  If I cannot, then I will be eternally damned by this evil.

Originally written – 23 August 2000

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Death

It has happened; the thing that is said to be impossible, is said to kill the one who dares even to speak of It.  It has happened to me, I have seen Death.  Sure, others have seen It, even seen Its face.  But I have gone further than the others; I have looked into Its eyes, those unspeakably emotion-less eyes.  They seem forged from pure flame.

The others have said that Death is a being of evil; but of what they say, none is true.  Death is not even a “being,” much less one of evil.  It is a semblance of all that is true:  evil, love, hate, holiness; the darkness and the light.  Death is not a bringer of sorrow or fear.  Death is only the messenger of God.

Its only existence is to tell the soul of the coming inevitability that it must leave to meet its final resting place.  It is not Deaths decision whether that place is Heaven or Hell.  Death is no ones friend, but it is also no ones enemy.  Death has been to Hell to meet demons, but it has also shaken the hand of Gabriel.

It is your place to decide for yourself, but can you call a semblance that brings the same news to everyone evil?  I do not think one can, but I leave it to you.  I let it be on your conscience whether to label Death evil or holy.  Death is only a semblance, for it does not truly exist.  There is no end to life, just a switch from time to timelessness.

So it is up to you…evil…holy…or is there something past that.  Something that goes beyond evilness and holiness, something that the human mind has no comprehension of.  If that is so, who are we to worry about it?

Originally written – 17 August 2000

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Stand

I sit here listening to the voices of the past
Talking of love, hate, peace, and tyranny
From one extreme to the other
This world will rise and fall
But in the end, we will stand tall

If we rise and take our places
In the darkness of the night
Stand up and hold proud faces
We will ride victorious from the fight
So I call out to you, people of the light
Stand up and take your places
So we win this cursed fight

From waged wars of ages past
We look upon with faces torn
We run to our homes, as pain comes fast
Too scared to turn, too frightened to mourn
For all the losses of the fights before

We envy the rich but mock the poor
With dumbfounded anger, we kill only for the sight
But in good time someday, the enemy will pay
For the wrong that has been dealt us this night

We fight against the rules of the Dark Ages
Against the demons and principalities of the night
For with our hope comes the will to stand until the last
With our faith we will emerge from these mazes
And we will fight our cursed fight
Finally rid ourselves from the lethargic rule of kings long past

Against tyranny we stand
Beside peace we stand
So let the world fight unholy enemies
Arm in arm, hand in hand

For as we wait
We Will Stand

Originally written – 20 May 2001

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Planes of Existence

He exists, though some say he doesn’t
He is the creator, though some say no
We are created from a higher being,
Not a suspended ball of matter!

How can one explain the beginning of life
As though a small gave to become big
Growth of a society from a stupid germ
Don’t think so! Go back! Draw a new sketch!

Bring forth the word and let me show
There’s no other way than what is so
Creation from a greater entity
The only logical explanation for existence

Society’s way has too many questions
The true way has only one…
“Why is this so hard to believe?”…
Take a step back and look from a distance

To see truth – on new planes of existance

Originally written – 18 May 2001

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Devoted

that I’m misery I on body me
see fine you the a the the
there inside only a darkness have held
out out an sidewalk sat dime signs
it in meet right ringing tell right
right america and awake hoping stay it
try go kept twisted deceiving I god
caught you at emptiness girl because lost
your don’t have take silenced one and
seeds and I

are to hey down to rhyme the
cut what the Inspired high press I
just a the is regret go light
has with desert faction don’t you what
somebody so wrong spent alone water his
what’s I’ll it live some us your
by maze soul today stream arms a
sunlight love he’s and time ’cause let’s
me although friend is there I’m morning
as her away strikes oceans us still
it the hear down be

a something me look my life shoot
whats do please mouths our before tell
hear war hear hear remorse face been
head disconnected pick head have truth truth
is with division come see we to
yelled me far road and thinking for
you sacrifice heart I’m our to careless
to memories and here and give with
me are simple hold alone the ashes
and of leave by my me reason
what one time no is right go stop
god through must pain inside hiding be
I day one

Originally written – 6 May 2002

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Uncaring Heart

Lost in the blinding glare of the uncaring heart of one that feels no guilt.  My heart is slowly being torn apart by the one that feels no emotion towards my yearning heart.  When I feel the presence of this uncaring heart, my senses go numb.  I feel light hearted and dizzy, my breath leaves me and my voice is silent.  I stand there and absorb the ripples caused by this uncaring heart even though it feels nothing for me.  I know that somewhere beneath the surface of this uncaring heart there are feelings of love and desire.

The waves of emotion from this depth of the uncaring heart are weakened into ripples as they pass through the barrier on the outside.  There are times when I feel as if the barrier is about to fall, but then some dark power from the depths rebuilds the barrier that shields our hearts from touching.

Despite the barrier that’s keeping this uncaring heart from reaching to me; I will continue my journey into the depths.  Someday, somehow, I will breach this barrier and finally our two hearts will meet.  I cannot go on forever, for as I seek the means to destroy this barrier, another grows.  It is growing within me, seeking to create one more uncaring heart.

Originally written – 14 August 2000

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