Sitting here listening to the sounds of nature
And the lonely view of a starless sky
I realize that my faults are my own
I can’t blame them on the world anymore
So many thoughts roam my head forcing me to cry
As I can’t find a reason for my pity
I have love, and friendship, and ability,
And everything I should need to carry on
But I can’t, I’m stuck here
Moaning because I have no visible place to go
Because I have no hope for my life
Innocence is gone from the earth
And with it taken happiness
This day began with light
Yet here, now, sojourns with death
Bad news is hard to take some times, it really is. When I started this blog again more than a year ago, I said that I would use it to provide an unfiltered look into my life and my feelings, that through my life I might be a guide to lead those far from God to Him. It’s been a struggle.
I’ve had some ups and I’ve had some downs, and truthfully the past year has felt like a lot more downs than ups. And even though I know that I am supposed to be thankful in everything, and that God has a plan for good to come from everything, I struggle horribly with accepting that some times.
Thankfully I’m allowed to be broken, and I most certainly feel that way right now. I have struggled with chronic back pain for the past 9 years, sometimes it’s bearable, sometimes I can’t get out of bed in the mornings…but there has always been a hope that eventually things might get better. Multiple x-rays, multiple MRIs, steroid injections, narcotic medication, nerve blockers, etc…the past 9 years has been full of different doctors telling me that there isn’t much that can be done for me because they can’t tell WHY I am in pain. But, not knowing has always allowed me to look to the future for when the right doctor comes along and finds the answer. Well, I got my answer yesterday…and I have to admit that now I’d rather have just kept not knowing because I feel like the hope has been ripped right out of me.
Apparently, over the past 9 years, doctors have either missed or forgot to tell me that I have an extra vertebrae. This seems to actually be a pretty common occurrence (1 in 10 people might have it I guess) and it usually isn’t an issue. But because of a genetic condition that I have, mine is deformed and the deformity is where the pain is most likely coming from. I’m not going to get into the medical diagnosis and reasons of it, because truthfully I wasn’t focusing much on it as he was explaining it. The end result was I was told that in many years of Physical Therapy, he has never had a positive result with the very few people he’s seen with this issue…and that he didn’t think there was much he or anyone else could do to help the pain. Medication is really the only solution right now and that’s not even a full solution since the only things that can help the pain to a great extent is narcotics, and I refuse to be stoned all my life just to get rid of the pain. Unless of course I can find a surgeon that would be willing to do an operation that is pretty much 50/50 if it will work or not, on top of me being willing to take that chance…which I’m not.
So yeah…despite everything that I know I should be doing in light of this situation…I’m just mad. Why. I just want to know why, why me, why this, why can’t I have relief, why do I have to deal with this, why does my family have to deal with this, why do my children have to have a dad that can’t rough house with them too much, why do I have to sleep on the couch sometimes because it’s more comfortable than the bed, why does my wife have to sleep by herself on those days, why do I have to watch other people do all the hard work while I stand and watch being useless, why can’t I help lift heavy stuff, why can’t I be a man. What use is this, what good can come out of this. Why God, WHY!
I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I KNOW there is something good to come out of this. I know there are others that are much worse off than me. But I can’t see it and I’m selfish. I don’t want to be broken, but I know broken is where I’m supposed to be. I’m imperfect. I’m broken.
But despite it all, I know God is still by my side, and I’m here, broken and waiting to be used for whatever purpose He has for me.
Sorry for the splurge of probably way too much personal information…but as always my fingers type faster than I can think.
Lord, I know that I am supposed to count everything as joy. I know that there is a purpose and something good in every plan you have. But I’m struggling to find that joy. I do thank you for all of the blessings that me and my family have received over the past few days/weeks and I feel guilty to let this one thing ruin all of those feelings and push me back into this place that I don’t want to be. Please forgive me. I pray that you would give me strength. Give me the strength to handle this situation and find the joy. Increase my faith. But through it all, I love you Lord and I will serve you. Amen.
Searching, thoughts in my mind
Finding, death strikes so near
Wounded, falling down again
Dying, screaming voices fill my ears
Feeling, fleeing, falling, freezing
I’m dropping to my knees
Thinking of what should have been
But for false-truths of life
Empty sorrows clothe my skin
Fleeing, falling, freezing, feeling
Covered with blackness so thick
Can’t seem to find my exit again
Stuck here in this place
Always dying to live
Falling, freezing, feeling, fleeing
Struck down by lightning
So deadly and real
Can’t seem to breathe again
My conscience has been killed
Freezing, feeling, fleeing, falling
But with my lifeline so thin
I find myself losing it all
Holding tightly to my skin
So life’s tragedies stay hid
So with life running from me
I try but know I can’t be free
If you had not forsaken me
I wouldn’t need to forget you
Just causes are not simple to find
Because people abuse their right to see
Your mind twisted in a fit of
Paranoid confusion which won’t surrender itself
Don’t think that voices will free you
Mean what you think unless you want to hear
Their mindless insults that feed on your conscience
Not doing what you told it to
After you got caught running wild in the wilderness
You can’t escape from your own selfishness
Have you ever seen the way the sun dies
To send you toward a restful place you can’t
Find this seasonal release for it is hidden high up
A tremendous cavern deep into the sky will make
Way for the chosen few who seem to live
Away in a different place that no one ever leaves
From now on you’ll have to surrender your life
Here so the voices can set you free
Can’t deny the one true truth
Remember that life is not free
Everyday comes closer to the feeling
Every minute closer to the day
Don’t deny that truth is always right
In seeking a faceless man
Seeking becomes a torture
To find the will of a warrior
He must be tested till time won’t end
Every season knows its own rhyme
Greatness is a time earned blessing
Renowned against all that are vengeful
Each son has got a daughter
All fathers have got a son
To challenge this truth is useless
Even though some may not see the light
See that meanings are not always truthful
To me they have no fight
I am going to sit down tonight and make a longer post, but I felt the need to make a quick one this morning.
Wow…I set a goal almost a year ago to make at least one post a week…and I think I managed 3 per year or something along those lines, so much for that goal.
Lately I’ve been feeling a strong push to get back into the world of writing, but for myself and helping others in their endeavors. To that means, I’ve started posting some of my older writings here on the blog for anyone that might be interested. I’ve got them hidden from the main page, but if you click the menu button on the top right you will see a new link “My Writings“, just click that and you’ll be able to read them. Right now I’m just going to be posting a few per day (I’ve got a backlog of about 100 to add from years and years ago). I didn’t want to spam everyone’s inbox with new post notifications, so these writings when added won’t notify you, you’ll just have to check back from time to time to see any new ones (and of course I’ll also mention it in posts from time to time).
I plan to get back to at least one post per week and actually stick to it this time. I’ve got a lot of stuff on my mind and a lot of ideas to get out of my head, so be on the lookout for more soon!
My soul grows cold as I wake to the voices of millions taunting me. They call me, reminding me of the hate in this world. They confuse me; warning me of the future, yet reminding me of the past. The black cloud of hate surrounding this lonely world blurs my senses, putting me in a haze of rage and confusion. It is only in the darkness of the night that I can rest and my soul can find its home. Yet even then there are still times when the voices take over my dreams; telling me of all the failures in my life. Upon waking, my soul is once again lost in the screams of the many other lost souls that are held within the cloud of confusion. The light to me only resembles hate, despair, and sorrow. Maybe tomorrow will be a day of change for this hateful and confused world; but tonight I sleep, waiting for the lost souls to find peace.
You say it’s all me.
But it’s not all me.
Why do you blame it on me?
That’s you, not me.
I have a reason from me.
Like to hear? Made by me.
Here’s the reason,. Come by me you
are not you I am not me.
