Crossroads

11:30 at night and I can’t go to sleep.  I have to get up for work in a few short hours, yet for some reason I am sitting here listening to the same song over and over again with the feeling that I need to get a post out tonight.  I don’t even know what I’m going to talk about while I type this…so whoever you are that needs to hear this right now, I pray that God just moves in a tremendous way right now as you read this.  I might not know who you are, but God does…and He has you right where He wants you.

This is the song I was talking about, and there are some crazy strong lyrics in there.  My favorite part…”Then you crash over me, I’m right where you want me to be, I’m going under, I’m in over my head.  Whether I sink, whether I swim, it makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head.”  It’s amazing just how accurate other peoples words can be.

I’ve been trying to figure out what to post for a few days now, knowing I need to get something written out but not know what.  I actually sat down last Friday with an awesome friend and brother and we did a little bit of soul baring.  I’ve been feeling trapped at a crossroads for a while now…seeing many options before me but not knowing which one I’m supposed to take.  They all feel like the write choice, but how is that even possible.  That conversation, plus the repeated playing of this song over and over again, has helped cement in my mind that “I’m right where He wants me to be”.  Oh…and prayer…there has been lots and lots of that as well!

What do you do when you are staring at a sign pointing in many different directions?  Well…apparently you let a really good friend convince you that all the roads lead to the same destination, and that maybe they aren’t as far apart as you thought they were.  I’m a writer.  I’m a talented “tech” guy.  I’m skilled at web management.  I have a heart for those in need.  I love managing communities.  I need to fix things.  I desire to see God move visibly in a mighty way.  Why can’t all of these things lead to the same purpose.  Why do I need to only choose one as my “purpose” in life.  That’s the question I have been asking myself for so long.

I finally found the answer.  I don’t.  I don’t have to choose only one.  God gave me the gifts that I have for a specific reason, and while I don’t know exactly what the end result is going to be; after months of prayer, months of questioning, months of wondering, months of seeking, months of begging for a sign for which path to take…I finally realize that I might not be able to handle them all on my own, but luckily I’m not on my own.

So I decided to take all of my passions, lump them into one big, crazy, vision, and trust that God’s got this.  Details of that vision will come soon enough, but that’s for a later post.

Now I just have to figure out why I have been so naive for so long.  Being scared of handling the size of my goals just seems silly to me now.  I’ve been trying to figure out my purpose for so long now, when I’ve had the motivation literally staring me in the face the entire time.  I made a graphic years ago that is on my computer desktop…so I see it all the time.

“If the size of your vision isn’t intimidating to you, there’s a good chance it’s insulting to God”

How did I manage to read that every day and still come out scared of doing something big?

Well, I think I’ve rambled enough.  Sorry for the unorganized thoughts that I’ve just thrown up here so quickly tonight.  But as I started out, I didn’t know at all what I was going to write…I just knew I needed to do something.  And for the person that I’m writing this for…I don’t know who you are, but I know there’s something you are seeking.  Don’t stop.


Heavenly Father, I don’t pretend to have it all together.  I know that I am flawed and that is the reason I need you.  I thank you for showing me the path that I need to take, and I thank you for being there to hold my up along the way.  I pray that you would be there tonight with the person that needs to feel your presence.  I know you know them, and that you have plans for them.  Please help them to find it.  Amen

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Eye of Sliver

Sometimes first but always last
Feeling so alone in a crowd that’s vast

One preferred over all
Lacking in courage and self-control

Weak in the presence of the unknown
Yet strong in the presence of one unfound

Analytical to an extreme content
Fearful of not being able to see

Living in the heart of a lover
But dying in the heart of gold

Emotions cleverly hidden inside
Until the veil of confusion is lifted

Nothing done is ever well to be done
Until it is approved and said to be done

An unknown factor in a story of puzzlement
But good in the way of the wise
And great in the eyes of one who cares

What can be done about love?

Originally written 15 October 2001

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3 1/2

I’m so tired of this…
Tired of all the pain
Tired of all the hopes
Tired of all the stares
Tired of all the truths

I can’t take much more of this
I can feel myself beginning to break
With each and every fault
I come closer to the end
And farther past the truth

I look and see…
See how wrong I was
See how I screwed up
See all that I lost
See how much I destroyed

I can’t take much more of this
I can feel myself beginning to break
And in the end, I can see it now
I’ll tell the truth, but it will not phase
Silent will be the words from my mouth

I can take myself losing it
I can’t seem to lose you

Originally written 27 July 2001

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Double-Pained

I look right at you; but I see through you
You are here; yet you are so transparent
I look for pleasure, look for pain
I search for loss, I beg for gain
No matter which angle I see of you
You are always right
No emotions and no guilt
But somehow you let through the light
From trash and gritty sand you are built
I look for love, care, and feelings
All I find is floors, walls, and ceilings
Trapped are you in a cage of plaster
So easily you could escape
If only you had the strength
To think, I admired you once
Wished I could be just like you
But when I look past the outward glaze
And through the inner space
Double-Paned are you to me
No room to grow, no way to bend
You take abuse so calm, screams don’t phase you
But one move towards a find end
And you fail, you shatter

Originally written 27 July 2001

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Why

Hate measured on a broken scale
No way of knowing, danger growing
Thoughts of life all but gone
Time is ticking like a hidden bomb

Bashed, scattered, broken, and used
Full of regret, my requests refused
Soon will come a time of loss
Life will end as the string is cut

Confusion appears to distract and misguide
My way of living, destructive inside
I walk the walk of a man led astray
And for my misgivings my soul will pay

I got so far, noticing – unreal
I went too far, wondering – why’d I kill
Thought too long, fearing – needing skill
I ran too much, knowing – I can’t feel

Tell me this, then tell me that
Help me here, hurt me there
Guide my life, lose my soul
Hold my hand, slit my wrist

Just tell me one thing, despite your will
I need to know just how you knew
Where to help, where to guide
You took my soul, held it to the sky

Then with a look appearing in your eye
You moved your hands, and let me fall
Grabbed the knife you did not stall
With twisted hate, you watched me die

Now bashed and broken
I ask just one question
My mind scattered and used
Deceit, false-love, malice and hate – why?

Originally written 14 June 2001

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Moerae

Fighting ruthlessly against all enemies
Quickly wares away at the fabric of all

Feuding helplessly with all foes
Gets life nowhere and the Fates a call

When life gets tough, and handled with hate
Revealed becomes the thread on the wheel a-spinning

As fear, hate, and slander become entombed in your mind
The records are inspected, from end to beginning

Now when it is found that no more changes will come
A delicate hand begins to slowly cut the thread

Your fate has been sealed by your own deeds
You have chosen hate over love; now you’re better off dead

Originally written 17 May 2001

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Hawks

Look in the blue to see valor galore
Elegant dance of beauty, behold
Long gentle strides of vertical motion
Held in the air by strength, be told
Soar, hawk, soar, with pure effort undying
Soar, hawk, glide, beauty, flying, flying, flying

Now look, now listen!  How resilient and proud
Much prouder than might be showing
Now brave and strong, from tip to tip
Wings of mighty honor, brilliantly glowing
Soar, show us the swiftness of speed unlying
Soar, hawk, glide, beauty, flying, flying, flying

Now trust, pure in honor, will eternally remain
Over land, sea, and air; a sight they will be
Never will they die; a memory for our soul
Forever will they thrive; forever a sight to see
Soar, hawk, soar, with pure effort undying
Now glide, beauty, glide, flying, flying, flying

Originally written 15 May 2001

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Into the Fire

This war is fought on many battle fields
Great and small, they all hold one similarity

People die, yet the war goes on
Souls die, yet the war goes on
Knowledge dies, yet the war goes on
Love dies, and still this hellish war survives

On the fields of battle once again
The enemy overwhelms us and strikes
We take the full fury of their wrath
But when they are gone, we do nothing

We stand by, waiting in our cowardice
Waiting for them to come again
We know they will return
Thought nothing is done to ready ourselves

They come with power in mighty numbers
Ready to attack and kill once more
So capable are we of defending ourselves
That we deny our own strength

We step back, allowing them to burn our fields
Permitting them to steal our riches
So low are we in our own sight
The enemy passes with no knowledge of our being

They invade our lands and we retire
They steal our riches and we do not pursue
They poison our food and we die willingly
They kill our people ruthlessly and we care not

The line must be drawn here, no farther
We must stop the at our own senseless game
We have let them go too far, far too far
Let them get too many pieces on the board

They must be beaten viciously
We must make the pay for what they have done

Originally written 15 May 2001

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Broken Healing

A lie was told and a promise broken
Trust destroyed with truth unspoken
No forgiveness from a broken soul
While from the heart, sorrow be shown
Malice and deceit, a contradiction to the goal

No pity is needed, for the wrath of perdition
Comes quickly forward to denounce an elucidation
Of the veracity which was previously spurious
By the loss of love, sure to be known
But kept by the soul of a heart be curious

A wish is made to keep intentions bright
After the full brunt of the pursuing fight
With hope in the soul of a chthonic heart
Trust will be restored by a silent prayer
Two souls will be rejoined, for they were apart

With time and compassion, new trust be built
All separations will dwindle, no remembrance of guilt
More love will be known, than when they began their stand
Only joy will be left in the hearts of this pair
After all wrongs are reconciled, they’ll walk hand in hand

Originally written 10 May 2001

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