Over a year ago I sat here at 11:30 at night (checkout my most “recent” post, Crossroads) not knowing what to write but just feeling the need to put my fingers on the keyboard. Here I am again, doing the same thing…coincidentally, it’s 11:26…not quite 11:30, but almost.
As I look over that post from February of last year, I realize that I stumbled upon the realization that I have a huge God on my side to push me through my struggles, settled on this massive plan that I envisioned working out miraculously…and then promptly forgot all about it, stopped posting, and went right back into my old ways of struggling to find my place in the world. I’ll never understand the propensity I have towards self doubt and my amazing ability to change my mind every other hour of the day. I’ve always had the uncanny ability to give advice to everyone around me, and take none of it for myself.
Warning: when I started this blog I said it would be used as an avenue for myself to pour out my thoughts and feelings in the hope that what I’m going through would benefit others. I don’t always have instant resolutions to things, and because of the nature of “me” these aren’t always the most inspiring of things. So…if you aren’t interested in learning more about the inner workings of my mind, please feel free to stop reading now. If you are interested (or just don’t have anything better to do at the moment, take a second at the end to type up a comment, anything you want…prayers, words of encouragement, questions, ask for advice, or just to start up a conversation…)
While I still have a lot of plans and thoughts to dig through, one of the first steps on my journey to finding myself again is to get this blog back up and going. Writing has always been a passion of mine, and I’ve put it off for too long. Whether it’s business, laziness, procrastination, or just plain not wanting to do it sometimes. I’ve always felt the call to write. So, the first step is to write at least one post per week.
Second goal? That’s a little more in-depth, and I’m already behind. I want to get the book that I’ve been “working” on for over 20 years finished and on its way to publishing. I don’t know how I’m going to do this, I don’t know where I’m going to find (or make) the time. However, in my post from last year I said something that I still believe in very strongly:
“If the size of your vision isn’t intimidating to you, there’s a good chance it’s insulting to God.”
I don’t enjoy insulting God, and getting a book published by the end of the year, when I still don’t even have the entire plot fleshed out, intimidates the heck out of me.
This post got away from me a bit, but I have a thing where I never change things that I write because I feel like they were said for a reason, even if I started with another topic in mind. I wanted to spill a lot of the struggles I’ve been going through recently, but now that I’ve gone off topic and had the chance to think about it I believe those things would be better said in individual posts over the coming weeks.
Sorry it’s been over a year since I’ve posted anything, but I plan to get back to a regular weekly posting schedule. You can expect personal insights, mind dumps, and the occasional inspirational or teaching post about topics/scriptures that I’ve had piling up for 2 years now (there’s about 40 half written posts that I need to finish up sitting in the post queue right now…)
Lastly, before I make my way to bed, it wouldn’t be a normal post if I didn’t include a song that I’ve been listening to a lot lately. To tell you the truth, I’m not even sure WHY I have been enjoying this song so much. But I do know that at 4:50, the raw emotion that Melissa Helser displays speaks to my heart every time. The need to experience nothing but the presence of God, ignoring everything else like she is doing here…I long for that again.
Heavenly Father, you know my needs more than I know them myself. When I can’t put the words together to explain how I’m feeling, I know that you already know. I pray that you would continually lead me towards the path that you have laid out for me, even though I may not be able to see it. You know that I focus on so many things and lose direction so often. Lord I get distracted by so many things. I just ask for your guidance and wisdom to do the right thing, to say the right thing, and to realize when I need to pay attention to other peoples needs and not my own. I want to be a light to others even when I may not be one to myself all the time. I long for Your presence. Lastly Lord, I pray that you would use my experiences and words to speak into the lives of others. That they would know there is always someone else out there going through something similar, and that no one has to go through life alone, Your hand is always extended and waiting for them. Thank you for your amazing love, and unending forgiveness.