11:30 at night and I can’t go to sleep. I have to get up for work in a few short hours, yet for some reason I am sitting here listening to the same song over and over again with the feeling that I need to get a post out tonight. I don’t even know what I’m going to talk about while I type this…so whoever you are that needs to hear this right now, I pray that God just moves in a tremendous way right now as you read this. I might not know who you are, but God does…and He has you right where He wants you.
This is the song I was talking about, and there are some crazy strong lyrics in there. My favorite part…”Then you crash over me, I’m right where you want me to be, I’m going under, I’m in over my head. Whether I sink, whether I swim, it makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head.” It’s amazing just how accurate other peoples words can be.
I’ve been trying to figure out what to post for a few days now, knowing I need to get something written out but not know what. I actually sat down last Friday with an awesome friend and brother and we did a little bit of soul baring. I’ve been feeling trapped at a crossroads for a while now…seeing many options before me but not knowing which one I’m supposed to take. They all feel like the write choice, but how is that even possible. That conversation, plus the repeated playing of this song over and over again, has helped cement in my mind that “I’m right where He wants me to be”. Oh…and prayer…there has been lots and lots of that as well!
What do you do when you are staring at a sign pointing in many different directions? Well…apparently you let a really good friend convince you that all the roads lead to the same destination, and that maybe they aren’t as far apart as you thought they were. I’m a writer. I’m a talented “tech” guy. I’m skilled at web management. I have a heart for those in need. I love managing communities. I need to fix things. I desire to see God move visibly in a mighty way. Why can’t all of these things lead to the same purpose. Why do I need to only choose one as my “purpose” in life. That’s the question I have been asking myself for so long.
I finally found the answer. I don’t. I don’t have to choose only one. God gave me the gifts that I have for a specific reason, and while I don’t know exactly what the end result is going to be; after months of prayer, months of questioning, months of wondering, months of seeking, months of begging for a sign for which path to take…I finally realize that I might not be able to handle them all on my own, but luckily I’m not on my own.
So I decided to take all of my passions, lump them into one big, crazy, vision, and trust that God’s got this. Details of that vision will come soon enough, but that’s for a later post.
Now I just have to figure out why I have been so naive for so long. Being scared of handling the size of my goals just seems silly to me now. I’ve been trying to figure out my purpose for so long now, when I’ve had the motivation literally staring me in the face the entire time. I made a graphic years ago that is on my computer desktop…so I see it all the time.
“If the size of your vision isn’t intimidating to you, there’s a good chance it’s insulting to God”
How did I manage to read that every day and still come out scared of doing something big?
Well, I think I’ve rambled enough. Sorry for the unorganized thoughts that I’ve just thrown up here so quickly tonight. But as I started out, I didn’t know at all what I was going to write…I just knew I needed to do something. And for the person that I’m writing this for…I don’t know who you are, but I know there’s something you are seeking. Don’t stop.
Heavenly Father, I don’t pretend to have it all together. I know that I am flawed and that is the reason I need you. I thank you for showing me the path that I need to take, and I thank you for being there to hold my up along the way. I pray that you would be there tonight with the person that needs to feel your presence. I know you know them, and that you have plans for them. Please help them to find it. Amen
After my post from a few days ago, I’ve been in a pretty crappy state of mind if I’m going to be completely honest. Back and forth between anger and sadness, confusion and understanding, guilt and sorrow. I always thought I was a strong person. Peoples opinions of me don’t really matter much to me, I can take criticism, I’ve always been able to find the best way through a situation, I can handle things on my own…etc. But for some reason I am finding it so difficult to push past the feeling of uselessness that I feel every time I close my eyes and think about the fact that I may never be able to do the things that I thought maybe one day I might be able to do again.
I’ve been spending a lot of time listening to music, mostly music that is supposed to be helping me cope but which seems to just be reminding me of the mistakes that I’ve made and the faults that I have. If anyone has ever dealt with depression…you might know what I’m talking about. As much as I try to see the good in things, I end up coming back around to see the bad side. I used to be such a positive person and I really want to get there again.
I have also been doing a lot of soul searching with a Bible sitting in front of me. It’s easy and hard at the same time. Easy enough to open the bible and search for scripture that pertains to suffering, hard to look past the suffering itself and see what’s on the other side (mostly because at the moment it’s hard to even see the possibility of the other side).
But, despite all of that, I still manage to find glimpses of hope. And although I may be struggling, and I might not feel like I’m deserving, I KNOW that God does everything for a purpose, and that purpose is good. My mom sent me a song last night to listen to. I didn’t notice it until this morning right after I finished my morning time with God, during which I was seeking answers for why I have to go through this (on a side note…I feel really selfish about all this, me, my issues, my pain, my suffering…I know there are so many others out there going through worse situations!). But when I finally did listen to it this morning I realized just how much it fits what I’m going through right now. Take a few minutes to listen to this song, then come back…I’m not done yet.
Broken beyond repair | Healing beyond belief
Look in the mirror and find someone you never thought you’d be | Lift your eyes to Jesus
Nothing but damaged goods | Something good in the making
My worst mistake | Covered by the price He paid
The scars from when you fell | The stories they will tell
Worthless | Priceless
Pain | Purpose
Unworthy and Undeserving | Seen through eyes of mercy
I’d love to say that listening to this song will make all of your troubles go away and you will instantly realize that there is a purpose and be happy with your situation. I’d love to be able to say it, but I can’t say it for myself so I doubt it will work that way for you either. However, it gives me (and you!) a guide to cut out the enemy. The enemy knows that our struggles and suffering are for a better cause, a cause that is always opposite of what he wants. So the enemy makes the effort to use those struggles to pull us down before we can firmly get our faith planted in Jesus.
I feel like I’m caught in the middle of that process. As I’ve already said, I KNOW that there is a good purpose at the end of this, but I have trouble being content to not know WHEN that is going to happen. Especially added to what I found out earlier this week about the permanence of my issue, it’s a battle I have to fight, to fight to force my brain to agree with what my heart knows.
I listed many points from the song above, the bad thoughts on the left and Jesus’ responses to them on the right. There were more in the song, but these are the ones that pertain directly to a situation in my life, or a feeling that I can associate with. It’s so easy to relate to the ones on the left but sometimes (right now) so hard to accept the ones on the right. It’s hard to explain, but it’s not due to lack of belief that they are true…but more because as much as I KNOW that the right side is 100% accurate…I struggle with feeling deserving of that column when I know how much is wrong with me on the left. I know I don’t have to earn God’s love, but my human nature (as a result of sin) makes me feel like I still don’t deserve it at times.
Don’t get me wrong, my relationship with God I feel is growing stronger than it has been in a while. I’m studying His word and spending time in prayer on a daily basis. I have dropped to my knees and cried out for Him. I pray for strength and understanding, and at times I am at peace…but then for some reason the depression just keeps coming back. It’s like a never ending cycle that needs to be broken, but I don’t have the strength to break it. Luckily I know that there is someone in my life that can carry me through and take the heavy burden as soon as I’m willing to let it go…of that I have no doubt.
But how do I get there? How does anyone get there? We just have to push on. Plant our feet on solid ground and take one step at a time. We were never promised an easy life…what we were promised was an eternity with our Creator as long as we are willing to accept His grace. I guess it starts with knowing your limitations and asking Jesus to step in and cover them for you. In response to that, I’ve decided I need to start doing something more to get past whatever this is that I’m dealing with now. Can God heal me of my afflictions? He sure can! Will he? I don’t know…why should he? I want this to go away because it’s painful for me…not because I want Him to get the glory. That’s where the fault is…learning to put Him first. I’m slowly getting much better at that on the outward side of things…but it’s still something I’m struggling with on the inside.
I mentioned I’ve been doing more scripture reading and searching for stories of others going through the same things that I’m dealing with internally. One thing I found that I’m hoping will help is a book. I didn’t know about the book, I wasn’t searching for a book…I just happened across this quote in an article I was reading and it struck so close to home that I realized I had to read it. Maybe it was a God thing, maybe it wasn’t…but the book arrived in the mail today (thanks Mom!) so we will see how it is and how it helps. I’ll follow up on that in a later post down the road.
So far, I’ve stuttered and stammered so much in this post…I don’t even know if I’m on the topic that I originally intended to talk about. I just let the fingers do the typing and hopefully God is working through them so I say what He wants me to say. The quote above is the one that I mentioned (with a link to the book if anyone reading this is going through something similar and thinks it might help them as well). Talk about a slap in the face and a stomp on the feet. There’s only one type of suffering that I need to fear and it’s one that I don’t ever actually have to worry about since through Jesus’ sacrifice I’m completely safe from being cast aside from the presence of God.
We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4:8-9 ESV)
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance. (Romans 5:3 ESV)
Rejoice in our sufferings. I hope someone reading this post is feeling the exact same way I am right now. Sarcastically saying in my mind, “heh, easier said than done there buddy…how the heck am I supposed to rejoice over what I’m going through”. Well, I’m sitting here talking myself into how…so here’s the stream of thought that I’m going through right now: I can see Him working in my life right now. I feel Him closer right now than I have felt in a long time. While I still have this depression, I see holes of light poking through from time to time so I know there is a way out, it’s just forcing myself to push on to get there that I need to focus on. While there are certainly sufferings I am dealing with right now, chronic pain, depression, feelings of uselessness, general unhappiness, boredom and a lack of focus…there are so many more good things that I need to focus on. I am finally getting my finances straightened out. I have a loving and supporting wife that would do anything for me and will always be here by my side to help pull me through. I have two beautiful daughters that while they can be trying at times…they are children of Christ right along with me and I don’t have to worry about their fate. I have more options for medication and pain management that haven’t been talked about with the doctors yet…so I should probably stop fearing what I don’t know and wait to find out what options there might be. I’m alive (sad to say this hasn’t always been on the good list of things). My relationship with God is growing stronger by the day. I’ve given up some idols that were consuming me and I’m 1000 times better for it. I’ve set goals to work on and am doing very well with them…though I still need more effort in that department…I am at least finally attempting to live instead of doing nothing but waiting.
I don’t know what’s going to come out of this. Maybe my back is going to get so bad in the future that I can barely move. Maybe God is going to completely heal me. I don’t know, no one does. But I have to learn to be OK with that. I’m not rejoicing in my sufferings yet…but I know that someday soon I am going to be there….I just have to push on and keep my eyes focused on God’s will and not my own.
Heavenly Father, I thank you for the sufferings in my life. As much as they are painful to me, I know that there is good coming out of them. Lord I pray for anyone reading this blog that may be in the same or similar situation, and also for those that I know are worse off. I may not understand your reasoning for the things that happen, but I do know that there is no one else I would rather put my faith in. Lord help me with the faith to see that I don’t owe a debt anymore, there is nothing that I have to do to earn the love of Christ. If there is anyone reading this post that doesn’t know you Lord, I pray that you would pull them towards you. Let me be a vessel for you, show me the open door. Lord I thank you for your grace and ask for your forgiveness for the doubt and worry that I have been experiencing and just ask for you to empower me to push through it with your guidance. Lead me closer to you, and help me to lead those far from you to where you need them to be. Amen.
Bad news is hard to take some times, it really is. When I started this blog again more than a year ago, I said that I would use it to provide an unfiltered look into my life and my feelings, that through my life I might be a guide to lead those far from God to Him. It’s been a struggle.
I’ve had some ups and I’ve had some downs, and truthfully the past year has felt like a lot more downs than ups. And even though I know that I am supposed to be thankful in everything, and that God has a plan for good to come from everything, I struggle horribly with accepting that some times.
Thankfully I’m allowed to be broken, and I most certainly feel that way right now. I have struggled with chronic back pain for the past 9 years, sometimes it’s bearable, sometimes I can’t get out of bed in the mornings…but there has always been a hope that eventually things might get better. Multiple x-rays, multiple MRIs, steroid injections, narcotic medication, nerve blockers, etc…the past 9 years has been full of different doctors telling me that there isn’t much that can be done for me because they can’t tell WHY I am in pain. But, not knowing has always allowed me to look to the future for when the right doctor comes along and finds the answer. Well, I got my answer yesterday…and I have to admit that now I’d rather have just kept not knowing because I feel like the hope has been ripped right out of me.
Apparently, over the past 9 years, doctors have either missed or forgot to tell me that I have an extra vertebrae. This seems to actually be a pretty common occurrence (1 in 10 people might have it I guess) and it usually isn’t an issue. But because of a genetic condition that I have, mine is deformed and the deformity is where the pain is most likely coming from. I’m not going to get into the medical diagnosis and reasons of it, because truthfully I wasn’t focusing much on it as he was explaining it. The end result was I was told that in many years of Physical Therapy, he has never had a positive result with the very few people he’s seen with this issue…and that he didn’t think there was much he or anyone else could do to help the pain. Medication is really the only solution right now and that’s not even a full solution since the only things that can help the pain to a great extent is narcotics, and I refuse to be stoned all my life just to get rid of the pain. Unless of course I can find a surgeon that would be willing to do an operation that is pretty much 50/50 if it will work or not, on top of me being willing to take that chance…which I’m not.
So yeah…despite everything that I know I should be doing in light of this situation…I’m just mad. Why. I just want to know why, why me, why this, why can’t I have relief, why do I have to deal with this, why does my family have to deal with this, why do my children have to have a dad that can’t rough house with them too much, why do I have to sleep on the couch sometimes because it’s more comfortable than the bed, why does my wife have to sleep by herself on those days, why do I have to watch other people do all the hard work while I stand and watch being useless, why can’t I help lift heavy stuff, why can’t I be a man. What use is this, what good can come out of this. Why God, WHY!
I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I KNOW there is something good to come out of this. I know there are others that are much worse off than me. But I can’t see it and I’m selfish. I don’t want to be broken, but I know broken is where I’m supposed to be. I’m imperfect. I’m broken.
But despite it all, I know God is still by my side, and I’m here, broken and waiting to be used for whatever purpose He has for me.
Sorry for the splurge of probably way too much personal information…but as always my fingers type faster than I can think.
Lord, I know that I am supposed to count everything as joy. I know that there is a purpose and something good in every plan you have. But I’m struggling to find that joy. I do thank you for all of the blessings that me and my family have received over the past few days/weeks and I feel guilty to let this one thing ruin all of those feelings and push me back into this place that I don’t want to be. Please forgive me. I pray that you would give me strength. Give me the strength to handle this situation and find the joy. Increase my faith. But through it all, I love you Lord and I will serve you. Amen.
I have been focussing on my relationship with God a lot lately. I’ve mentioned it in a previous post recently, but I’ve just really had it laid on my heart that all of the things I see in my life that need a little bit of fixing up can all be solved through my relationship with God. I know this, and have known this, but for some reason it’s just hard to put in the effort to do it sometimes! Whether it’s the busyness of every day life, the temptations of procrastination or general laziness. Something always comes up to replace God Time it seems. As part of my new philosophy of changing the underlying reasons instead of feeling guilty, I figured it was time to put a stop to all that mess.
For some reason, most people, myself definitely included, don’t put in the effort required to maintain a relationship with God. If you will notice the word I used there…effort.
Think about your closest friend. It could be your wife, your girlfriend, one of your parents, someone you’ve known for years, etc. Whoever it is, think about how much time you spend with them. How much do you call them? How much do you text them? How often and for how long do you talk to them? Do you go to the movies? Dinner? Hangout until the middle of the night? What about their passions and desires, I bet you know them. I bet you know what makes them tick and I bet you can tell almost instantly when something is wrong with them before they even say a word. You are trained like a hawk to notice their mannerisms and body language. You do LIFE with them.
Now, about that relationship with God that you care so deeply about. Does it compare?
Relationships require effort, and for some reason, beyond my comprehension, humans just don’t seem to easily understand the fact that you can’t have a “God First” relationship unless you are willing to put in the effort.
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. – Matthew 6:33 (ESV)
I’m going to go more in-depth about this in a future post, but I wanted to mention it briefly here since it pertains to this topic. God wants us to seek him first. Notice what Matthew says in the verse above. It specifically says the word first. This isn’t the only place the Bible says this. There are so many examples of God saying that he wants to be our everything, he wants to be the first thing in our life, he doesn’t want our leftovers.
Another issue we have in our relationship with God is that we don’t treat him the way he deserves to be treated. While he wants a personal relationship with us, he also demands our reverence. And if you think about it that makes a lot of sense…who would want to be friends with someone that didn’t respect them?
The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant. My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for he will pluck my feet out of the net. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. – Psalm 25:14-16 (ESV)
A slightly different translation of the same scripture words it a little differently, showing the real meaning of the use of the word “fear” above. To fear the Lord is to honor and respect him, to give reverence.
Friendship with God is reserved for those who reverence him. With them alone he shares the secrets of his promises. My eyes are ever looking to the Lord for help, for he alone can rescue me. Come, Lord, and show me your mercy, for I am helpless, overwhelmed, in deep distress. – Psalm 25:14-16 (TLB)
And yet another stumbling block we experience on our road to building our relationship with God is not hearing him. And it isn’t that he isn’t speaking to us; it’s that most of the time we are too busy or their is too much noise in our life to hear him.
“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” – Psalm 46:10 (ESV)
“Be still” – that is a hard thing for us to do, but it is something that is necessary to building a relationship with God. How do we be still? The first way would be to make sure you are spending some quiet time alone with God. Just like any other friend, relationships get better when you spend time together. And just like any other friend, it’s a lot easier to do that when it is one on one and you are listening intently to each other. Getting to know someone in a crowded and noisy place is no easy task, that’s why God specifically tells us to “be still…and know that I am God”. Be still, and know Me…
I have struggled with this, I still do. And I tell myself that I have a valid reason, I mean, I am busy! Just look at a normal day for me:
Wake up early
Read the news for a few minutes while the coffee is brewing
Do the morning requirements…
Catch the bus to work
Work all day
Catch the bus home
Do some overtime for my second employer from home
Find some time to hang with the kids and wife (I fail at this a lot too…)
Maybe eat dinner somewhere in there
Work on things for Church
Play some video games, watch some youtube, etc…have some me time
Go to bed
Seriously…this is pretty normal for most of us these days, where is the time to spend with God? I will just use my own list for example since I’ve told myself quite often that I just don’t have time. I could read my bible instead of the news. I’m on the bus for at least an hour both ways (I’m writing this post on the bus right now actually), plenty of time to spend there. Those video games and “me time.” These are things that I do. I am used to them and they make me happy. I am putting them before God, when all he wants is to be first. Luckily it’s a simple fix, but simple isn’t always easy.
You have to MAKE time for it. You have to actively choose to spend time with God. Believe me, God is a wonderful and powerful God. He has built time into your day to spend with him, all you have to do is choose to use it for what he intended it for. I guarantee you there isn’t a single person that could prove to me they don’t have time to spend some time alone with God today. The time is there if you choose to use it.
Why do we expect our relationship with God to be awesome when we aren’t willing to make the time to spend with him. We are willing to drop items from our todo lists to go hangout with friends if they ask us. Maybe a new movie just came out that we want to go watch really bad but it’s only showing during that one meeting with those people…that’s ok, we can move the meeting. But for God? No, can’t move the meeting for God. We rationalize this by saying, “God loves me and doesn’t mind because he wants me to enjoy life”, “God understands that I will pray later (even though we don’t…). But he doesn’t! He wants us to put him FIRST! Real life friends get offended if they don’t come first…how much more so do you think God feels to be second place when he wants to be your Everything.
Can you imagine keeping your friends if you have no time? I’m sure we have all experienced it too. What happens when you run out of time to spend with friends for long periods of time? Things change. Things get awkward. Eventually you get to the point where you are talking once a month or less. The relationship fades and things aren’t the same anymore. But, if you start talking again, spending time together again, all of a sudden the old days are back and things are awesome again. It’s the same way with God! You have to spend time with him to have that awesome relationship. There is no way around it. And if you truly do want that awesome and strong relationship with God, you are going to want to spend time with him too. You are going to want to spend more time with him than you do with other things…and you are going to start putting him first.
So, stop being busy. Stop making excuses. Stop putting him second. And I know that’s easier said than done…but it shouldn’t be…it should be the easiest thing in the world!
Lord, I pray to you today to open up my eyes to see all of the time that you have built into my life to spend with you. I pray that you would increase my desire and willingness to be in your presence more than you already are. I don’t want anything to get in the way of our relationship, I want you to be the center and first of my life. I want to get to the point that nothing else matters to me, I want to die to myself so that I can serve you more fully.
I pray that through my words today someone else is feeling the same thing I am feeling. That there is someone out there who is lost and searching, searching for something to make them whole. I know that something is you Lord, and I pray that you would lead them here, that the words that I have written here today have come from your direction and not my own. I believe that you intend to see people changed through the power of words and through the power of these words. I pray that you would use me in whatever way you see fit, and that I would have the courage to say yes, no matter what the cost.
One thing that I have been trying to do lately is get closer to God. My prayer life and my quiet time are severely lacking right now so I have been trying to fix that. Some days I do really good, and other days I don’t. I normally try to blame it on a busy schedule. I won’t deny that I have a pretty hectic schedule at times, but I also can’t deny that isn’t a very good reason to be missing my daily dose of God.
I am subscribed to an email listing that sends a prayer to my email every day. I’m not sure if this is cheating or not, but I have found it very rewarding to be able to add a random topic to my prayers as I go…helping me to give thanks in ALL things, not just the things I am thinking about at the current moment.
About two weeks ago I met with a group of close friends where we sat down and studied through some scripture and just talked about things going on in our lives. One of the things that we all said was we wanted to get closer to God and put him first. I don’t really believe in coincidences, I believe that God puts things in front of us exactly when we need it. So when I received this particular prayer in my email the next morning, it was a Godsend for me. I have been saying this specific prayer twice a day for the past two weeks. I’m not saying that everyone should find a prayer and pray the exact same thing over and over again and limit themselves to that, but I am saying that this prayer, in connection with tons of other prayers I have prayed over the past two weeks, has really begun to bring me closer to God again.
I’ve felt closer in the past week than I have in a while. I’m not going to lie, lately I have been doing so much stuff for people and church that I think I started to forget that I should be doing it for Jesus. We can have the best intentions in the world, but if they aren’t for the right reasons then they mean nothing. We can do good things for selfish reasons.
Anyway, I just rambled way more than I intended to…so here is the prayer that I received that has been helping me to get focussed during my daily time with God.
Oh God my Father,
I want to KNOW You.
You are so great and do great things. I want to spend more time with You.
Help me to make time to sit before Your throne in quiet places,
to read Your Word in order to know You more intimately,
to develop an ear to hear Your voice so that I know when to turn to the right or to the left.
I trust You to guide me in all things.
I thank you for Your gift of the Holy Spirit, my “ever-present help.”
In Jesus’ name I come before You, amen.
*from PrimeTime with God by Churchgrowth.org
What was the purpose of all that? If you are feeling far from God, or even if you don’t know Jesus personally but you arrived here because you are looking for something and you don’t know what that something is…just say a prayer. Just sit down by yourself, somewhere quiet, and say a prayer. It doesn’t matter what you say, you don’t need big fancy words or anything else. Heck, you don’t even need to know WHAT you are praying for sometimes. God knows it all, and He just wants to spend time with you.
I sat down a few days ago after work, it had been a long day, I was stressed, I still had a million things to do. But I took a few minutes to just sit there in silence. I shut my office door, sat in the floor of my closet, and closed my eyes. I didn’t know what to say, my mind was so blown from the day that I was just at a loss for words and for thoughts, but I sat there and simply told God I wanted to spend a little time with Him if for no other reason than just to be in His presence. And it was awesome, I was only in that closer for 10 minutes maybe, and it renewed me for the rest of the afternoon.
I’m not saying that we should never come to God without knowing what we want to speak to Him about. I firmly believe that praying specifically, intently, passionately, and repeatedly for exactly what you want to say is one of the most powerful ways to pray. I’m just saying that it’s ok to just sit with God and let Him do the talking if you don’t know what to say. God wants to spend time with you, not your words.
“And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you. And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.” Matthew 6:5-8
