Bad news is hard to take some times, it really is. When I started this blog again more than a year ago, I said that I would use it to provide an unfiltered look into my life and my feelings, that through my life I might be a guide to lead those far from God to Him. It’s been a struggle.
I’ve had some ups and I’ve had some downs, and truthfully the past year has felt like a lot more downs than ups. And even though I know that I am supposed to be thankful in everything, and that God has a plan for good to come from everything, I struggle horribly with accepting that some times.
Thankfully I’m allowed to be broken, and I most certainly feel that way right now. I have struggled with chronic back pain for the past 9 years, sometimes it’s bearable, sometimes I can’t get out of bed in the mornings…but there has always been a hope that eventually things might get better. Multiple x-rays, multiple MRIs, steroid injections, narcotic medication, nerve blockers, etc…the past 9 years has been full of different doctors telling me that there isn’t much that can be done for me because they can’t tell WHY I am in pain. But, not knowing has always allowed me to look to the future for when the right doctor comes along and finds the answer. Well, I got my answer yesterday…and I have to admit that now I’d rather have just kept not knowing because I feel like the hope has been ripped right out of me.
Apparently, over the past 9 years, doctors have either missed or forgot to tell me that I have an extra vertebrae. This seems to actually be a pretty common occurrence (1 in 10 people might have it I guess) and it usually isn’t an issue. But because of a genetic condition that I have, mine is deformed and the deformity is where the pain is most likely coming from. I’m not going to get into the medical diagnosis and reasons of it, because truthfully I wasn’t focusing much on it as he was explaining it. The end result was I was told that in many years of Physical Therapy, he has never had a positive result with the very few people he’s seen with this issue…and that he didn’t think there was much he or anyone else could do to help the pain. Medication is really the only solution right now and that’s not even a full solution since the only things that can help the pain to a great extent is narcotics, and I refuse to be stoned all my life just to get rid of the pain. Unless of course I can find a surgeon that would be willing to do an operation that is pretty much 50/50 if it will work or not, on top of me being willing to take that chance…which I’m not.
So yeah…despite everything that I know I should be doing in light of this situation…I’m just mad. Why. I just want to know why, why me, why this, why can’t I have relief, why do I have to deal with this, why does my family have to deal with this, why do my children have to have a dad that can’t rough house with them too much, why do I have to sleep on the couch sometimes because it’s more comfortable than the bed, why does my wife have to sleep by herself on those days, why do I have to watch other people do all the hard work while I stand and watch being useless, why can’t I help lift heavy stuff, why can’t I be a man. What use is this, what good can come out of this. Why God, WHY!
I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I KNOW there is something good to come out of this. I know there are others that are much worse off than me. But I can’t see it and I’m selfish. I don’t want to be broken, but I know broken is where I’m supposed to be. I’m imperfect. I’m broken.
But despite it all, I know God is still by my side, and I’m here, broken and waiting to be used for whatever purpose He has for me.
Sorry for the splurge of probably way too much personal information…but as always my fingers type faster than I can think.
Lord, I know that I am supposed to count everything as joy. I know that there is a purpose and something good in every plan you have. But I’m struggling to find that joy. I do thank you for all of the blessings that me and my family have received over the past few days/weeks and I feel guilty to let this one thing ruin all of those feelings and push me back into this place that I don’t want to be. Please forgive me. I pray that you would give me strength. Give me the strength to handle this situation and find the joy. Increase my faith. But through it all, I love you Lord and I will serve you. Amen.